So, this is more or less going to be a personal opinion and a revelation about myself that I would like to put into words. Again: this is a personal look into my thought process. If you have a differing opinion, that's good for you, but this is how I react to certain situations.
I hate being photographed. Not because I think I look ugly–though there are days that no mortal eye should have to look upon my visage. Not because I think it would be an awful picture. Not because I don't want to have a record of that moment in time.
I hate being photographed because I cannot trust the intentions of the photographer.
Everything ends up on the internet these days. Everything. From food in a restaurant (never understood that compulsion) to private pictures you thought might stay in the possession of one person alone.
Now, I grew up in a very strict household. I have never slept over at a friend's house. I have never gone to parties. I wasn't even allowed to go on a walk by myself through our own field. With that kind of parentage, you can then imagine what paranoia existed when it came to the internet.
For years, I have remained cautious in my approach to people on the internet. I avoid giving out my phone number. Only a very few people that I trust explicitly have my address. And I'm even impressed that when I search myself online, there are no records of my location or personal information available.
The only thing you will find about me on the internet is what I have chosen to put up there. This includes pictures of myself and my works as an author. That is it. I couldn't even find my own phone number or address, though several of my relatives' information is available.
I am forever proud of this accomplishment, though I know it likely won't last forever. It becomes harder, however, when people start posting things concerning you without your permission.
Recently I was in the midst of what might be called a family gathering. One of my uncles was present and asked for group photographs. Something I balked at in an instant, and had it not been for the request of my wonderful grandmother, it wouldn't have happened.
There are several reasons I did not wish to do this, though I agreed only on the stipulation that any pictures of me not be posted. And now I'm going to get into the other reasons, and this could be a long rant.
To begin with, I had not seen this particular uncle in roughly 15 years. He is a stranger to me, and I did not feel comfortable with a stranger taking pictures of me. Period. It would have been no different had it been a man off the street asking me to pose for him. That shit is not okay.
Now, my refusal of this made several of my family members upset, and I can sort-of see their point. This man is my father's brother and hasn't seen me in years, and likely won't ever see me again. He wanted remembrances of his family. I can understand that, to a degree.
Except that he is a stranger to me. He is not my family. I have chosen my family, and I have let go of people who I deem unworthy. Relatives I have not seen or spoken to in years whom I have no interest in … yeah, they don't make the cut.
Another issue with this ordeal was that he began to take photographs of me
without my permission. That shit is also not okay. Up until that point, I had had no issues with this man and was pleasantly surprised to find him less annoying than I suspected he might be. All of that camaraderie was thrown out the window when I was forced to flip him the bird mid-photo when he attempted to ambush me.
This revealed to me that he had a lack of respect for my decision and what I was comfortable with. And it wasn't the last time he would attempt to ambush me with his camera. Yet, when I spoke up about how disrespectful to me it was, I was the bad guy.
I'm not.
I agreed to a few family photos, so long as I knew they were for his eyes only. I cooperated within the limits of what I was comfortable with. He deviated from that oral contract and assaulted my rights to privacy when he attempted to take unwanted photographs of my person. That shit is not okay.
Again: this man is a stranger to me. He has no right to any photographs of me, whatsoever. But because there is a blood relationship between us, he thought my opinion invalid.
Let me make this clear to anyone who doesn't understand what I am saying:
Just because you are related to an individual, that doesn't mean you have any rights regarding them.
And yes, I mean that to be as vague as it sounds, because even parents don't have all the rights they think they do, in many cases. Uncles, aunts, cousins, and even grandparents all have less and less rights to a person depending upon the personal relationships formed between each individual.
Every being in my life is afforded whatever rights I deem fit to give them when it comes to my person, and nothing else. It is my life, so I make the decision about who gets to be involved in it.
By taking pictures of me that I was not willing to allow, this uncle of mine showed a lack of respect for me that I will not forgive. It shows the kind of man he is and the ignorance he possesses if he believes that he is entitled to anything involving me. Even a simple picture. The fact that he also outright refused to accept my rejection of permission shows that he is incapable of respecting me, and so I equally revoked whatever respect had been on loan to him for the duration of his visit.
Had this been the only case of its kind, I might not have wrote this whole long post. (Or I still might have, because the fact that I was dubbed the villain in this scenario is outright ludicrous.) But there have been many instances in my own pool of blood relatives and in the situations of others I know that prompted me to write this blog post.
It comes down to more than a few pictures that someone took without my permission. This is about the disrespect for me and the boundaries I had laid by someone who is related to me.
I have seen families disrespecting each other and their opinions so often, that it is quite sad that it is the norm. Which is why I have distanced myself from any individuals that should think of doing this to me.
I guess what I am trying to say is:
Your relatives have only as many rights to you as you give them. If you have a good relationship with them, like I do with my mom, than they probably have a lot.
There's are several adages to life that people would have you follow. Including: you must give respect to get respect. Yet, another says that respect must be earned.
Both of these are true. Though you don't have to
give respect rather than
show respect. If a person is unknown to you, you act in a respectful manner in order to earn their respect. It is ideal that they should also do the same for you.
My uncle did not do this for me, and subsequently lost any respect I might have either given or shown to him.
The one adage I live by is: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. He refused to respect me and so I acted in kind.
Perhaps the worst of it is that he probably didn't even realize what he was doing, because he thought he had the right to take home some remembrance of me. He didn't understand that he no longer had those rights.
And that's the thing: most blood relatives don't understand that their rights have been revoked or suspended. And if you're a minor or someone who has to respect the rules of the household, you are probably unable to show your relatives the errors of their ways. If that is the case, you have my empathy because I was also halted in the midst of the lesson my uncle needed to learn by that same respect for my grandparents, and I also grew up with a man who did not allow any dissent for blood relations to be vocalized often.
Rest assured, however, that there will come a day when you can put your foot down and say enough is enough. It's time that blood relatives learn that every interaction with you is a privilege, not a right.
So often, they think because you are related, that's a free pass to do and say whatever they want with you. That is not the case. And if your parents won't stick up for you, you have to stick up for yourself.
You have my blessings and my support, because I also live through this enormous amount of bullshit.
