Book Review: Reluctant Guardian by Melissa J. Cunningham

Reluctant Guardian by Melissa J. Cunningham

Clean Teen Publishing © 2013

Kindle Edition

Urban Fiction

Reviewed by Leah

Reluctant Guardian on Amazon

***SPOILERS AND SWEARING BE HERE***

When I first read the prologue, I thought I was going to love this book.  For one brief moment, I thought this book was going to show everyone what it felt like to be suicidal.  To explore exactly how much you didn't want to feel anything anymore, while at the same time harboring the inability to feel anything at all.  That prologue gave me hope … which the rest of the book stole from me.

Summary:

Alisa Callahan is a sixteen-year-old girl who has survived a horrific childhood, only to be left alone.  Despite having a family that loves her, nothing can compare to the lives that were already lost.  With her grandmother gone and her best friend and fellow victim having died recently, she feels that she has nothing else to live for.  The pain caused by her past is as fresh and painful as if it happened yesterday.  Left without a comforting voice to guide her, Alisa decides it isn't worth it to live anymore.

She takes her own life.

An action that comes with a price.

The only way to atone for this sin is to help someone in a way that she couldn't help herself.  Assigned to Brecken Shaefer as a Guardian, Alisa naively believes that a few days will earn her an after-lifetime of peace and happiness with her grandmother and best friend in a place she cannot go.  That is until she actually meets Brecken.

Born with gifts of his own and a life that isn't all that great, Brecken wants nothing to do with another Guardian.  Least of all the smart-mouthed, irritating, goody-two-shoes Alisa.  He doesn't want anymore lectures or interference on how he does things.  The way he sees it, he's taking care of his family and anyone else who thinks differently can bite him.

Yet, despite their initial reactions to one another, the two are drawn together.  The relationship that forms causes far more complications than either of them anticipated.  There are consequences for every action, and they're about to figure that out the hard way.

Initial Reaction:

This is the kind of book that pisses off everyone who is/has ever been suicidal.  The feeling of hopelessness and disgust with yourself and everyone around you completely vanishes after the prologue.  This is not a book about a girl who committed suicide.  It is a love story about some stupid dead girl and an even stupider 'bad boy with a heart of gold.'  I regret ever picking up this book.

Characters:

Alisa is a spoiled, arrogant, ignorant little twat.  I would try to tone this down for a review, normally, but I can't.  This girl is the very definition of a naive moron.

Let me fill you in on depression a little bit, and thus what Alisa should probably be feeling at some fucking point throughout this story: you hate everything.  Yet, you loathe nothing like you loathe yourself.  Your lack and failure light up behind your eyes like neon signs and you're forced to see each mistake you've ever made with glaring clarity every single day.  You feel hopeless and useless in ways you didn't think a human being was capable of.  You look at the world around you and all of the obstacles standing in your way and you realize that you were never capable of changing a damn thing.  Your world is the way it is and you are powerless to do anything about it.  There is no hope.  Nothing to live for.  You're stuck between a rock and a hard place and there's nowhere to go.  It is the knowledge that your life is meaningless and nothing you do will have an affect on anyone or anything, so why should you bother?  At the same time, you want to be useful.  You want to prove you're not a waste of space so desperately that you become a nuisance to your family, friends, and anyone else who cares about you.  Yet, you can't make yourself get off that computer, or go out and have fun, or even drag yourself out of bed when no other obligation throws you into a panic attack over what must be done.  Depression is knowing that you mean nothing, and the world wouldn't care that you're gone.

Do you think, for one solitary second, that Alisa felt this way at all?

If you said no, you would be correct.  This girl is naive and stupid in all the worst of ways.  When she commits suicide, she has expectations of what death is going to be.  She pretty much demands that she be allowed to float around with her grandma and friend in chapter one.  When she learns that she can read minds, she is excited.  Death, apparently, has resolved all those years of psychological self-mutilation for her.

Yeah, I'm calling bullshit.  Especially when the world she arrives in is more conducive to making her depression stronger rather than weaker.  I mean, if you're expecting nothing but relief from all of the fucking pain, and you wind up with assignments and classwork, all within the realm of purgatory … yeah that's going to cure you all right.

Also, the reason for her so-called depression: she was molested as a child.  A fact that is literally dropped on us in a passing fashion.  No build up.  No lingering horror to plague the pretty little ghost.  Only one tiny hint in the prologue before we're ten chapters in and are hit with that fact like a brick to the face.

Alisa is a jackass to everyone around her, and especially to her charge.  Not that he's anything special … oh wait…

Brecken Shaefer is a special snowflake.  In the cosmic, angels hath no fury, kind of way.  He has gifts that allow him to hear and sometimes see his Guardians.  He's also got a healthy dose of 'I have to do everything myself, which is why I don't take my sisters to my aunt's, even though she could take much better care of them than I can' along with 'must steal to survive, even though I feel guilty about it every single time I break into someone's house.'  He was such a worthless character to read about.  I felt nothing for him, almost as if he were a cut and paste trope.  Actually, having read this months ago, I don't even remember him that well…  So we'll be moving on now.

Plot & Setting:

Otherwise known as: ridiculous & non-existent.

I know this was trying to make a new spin on the whole 'life after death' scenario, but damn did it fail.  Especially where the suicide came in.  If you want to read a decent book with a suicide-city type of portrayal, then read Sanctum by Sarah Fine instead.  It has a more realistic view of what depression can do to a person, and a grittier version of what suicide gets you in the afterlife.

The plot according to this book was a love story.  That's it.  Anything else happening around it was just fodder.  Everything that occurred within this novel was for the specific contrivance of having Alisa and Brecken fall in love.  Again: ridiculous.

The setting here failed at doing anything.  There are brief glimpses of a place Alisa isn't allowed to go to, a half-assed description of the place she's stuck in, a better description of the place she could wind up if she fails, and that's about it.  I don't even care enough to attempt remembering it.

Writing Style:

All telling, no showing.  Immature characters, especially for the themes touched upon.  Inability to decently handle the themes brought into the novel.  This author is not for me and I will not be reading any further works.

Overall Opinion:

I regret reading this book.  As someone intimately familiar with depression, suicidal thoughts, and the knowledge of what sexual abuse can do to a person, I am pissed off with the portrayals of any of these throughout this novel.  Everything was handled with such a cavalier attitude and none of it actually affected the characters who were supposedly consumed by it.  So no thanks.  Fuck this.  I'm done.

*Note to Authors*

If you are going to touch on any of these sensitive subjects, do them justice.  They are not a plot device or an excuse for why your character acts the way they do.  These are real conditions that do have real life damaging results.  Talk to anyone you know, and you will find out, because they are far more common than you think.  Then ask them what damage these conditions have done.

Now try and write a stupid love story where these are merely plot points.

Book Review: Eye of Tanub by M. E. Cunningham

The Eye Of Tanub by M. E. Cunningham

Clean Teen Publishing © 2014

Kindle Edition

Fantasy

Reviewed by Leah

The Eye of Tanub on Amazon

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Okay, so this is not going to be a normal review.  Everything's going to be short and condensed and separated into 'The Good' and 'The Bad'.  There really is no in-between here.

First of all, a brief Summary for you all:

Lauren Marriott is a fifteen year old model-wannabe.  When she finds her precious portfolio destroyed, therefore, the blame falls instantly on her fourteen year old brother, Zach.  In an attempt to hurt him like she has been hurt, she grabs the mysterious pendent from his desk and struggles over it with him.  Magic ensues.

All of a sudden, the pair are transported to a world that is completely unreal … unless you play the RPG 'Warlord'.  Then you know exactly where you are and how things are going to work.  Which Zach does--for the most part.

Anxious to return home, Lauren has to learn not to be such a snob and listen to what her brother has to say.  It may be the only thing keeping them alive.


The Good:

Throughout the first 58% of this book, I was decently entertained.  The chapters were short and easy to read and very simple--if it weren't intended for a younger scale audience, it might seem a bit immature (probably not the right word, but I'm going with it for now).  The world building could have used a little more work, but I was glad not to be bogged down with details.  And nothing has made me want to play Runescape again more than this book.  (Yes, I used to play Runescape.  My father, brother, and I were all addicted at some point and this book just almost revived that addiction.)

Honestly, I liked the fact that the siblings bickered and fought, as that made them seem more believable.  In the first half, all of Lauren's blunders made perfect sense, as she had no idea what she was supposed to do or how.  Her character was perfectly drawn as the stuck-up, arrogant, perfect little princess she thought of herself as.

I loved the idea of ending up in a computer game, almost Narnia style.  It was interesting to watch as Zach met his own character creations.  And you even felt bad for him when his created hero completely snubs him due to his noob level and lack of interesting qualities.

It was especially interesting to experience Lauren and Zach learning to like each other over time.  They each have their moments, to be sure--okay, LAUREN has her tantrums a lot--but they learn to deal in ways better than before.

Perhaps my favorite parts, however, involved the dryad priestess, Flitwicket.  Created by Zach, she's a great healer and isn't too bad in a fight.  She also acts like an older sister to Lauren, helping her to navigate this strange new world.  There is an aura of wisdom about her that makes her a soothing and comfortable character to read about.  And, she and Lauren had a decent female friendship without drama or stupidity ruining it.  For that, I am very grateful.

All in all, there was a lot of potential for this book.

Of course, that potential seemed to fly out the window at about 60%.


The Bad:

(Another warning before we get started, here is where the majority of spoilers come in, my rage-ranting reaches its peak, and profuse swearing abounds.  If you are uncomfortable with any/all of these things, please feel free to leave this review right now.)

Still with me?  Okay, here's the nitty-gritty of it…

A bit of a disclaimer before we start: this book was written with much younger readers in mind, I believe.  Like borderline thirteen, if not a bit younger.  This means that the writing was very simplistic and had a lot of telling and not showing moments.  That being the case, it's possible all of the rage I've been harboring throughout the second half of this book is simply because it's not my cup of tea.  Yes, this is my formal disclaimer.

Since I'm going to postpone the raging till the end (as much as possible) we'll start off slow.

First of all, why in the world does Zach call his RPG characters 'toons'?  I've played multiple RPGs.  Online and off.  Never in the world would any noob even call those characters 'toons'.  Not if they're over the age of six.  This, my friends, is completely unacceptable.

Then we have miss 'Lauren of Light'.  Gag me.  Hardly anyone in the whole freaking universe has a title, but this snob gets one?  Yes, because we just needed her to get more full of herself in a world where she's screwed up everything so far.  Including pissing off the Head Priestess--who gives her the bloody title for no flipping reason!

Another issue I have is the multiple narrators.  In the beginning we have Lauren in first person.  We have her for a while and I'd actually gotten used to her.  To the point where her selfishness wasn't as irritating as it would later prove to be.  Suddenly, it has to jump to Zach.  Cue sibling head hopping.  Then it does this odd thing where another character is the focus, but in third person.  Then it switches back and forth between these three for some time.  We get near the end, however, and it's a free-for-all between five of them!  Not cool.  Give me two at the most, but we get into higher numbers and I'm irritated.

My other pet-peeve was the lack of believability where it concerned Zach and Lauren.  While the bickering was typical sibling stuff, there was a catalyst in the beginning that really threw Lauren in a rage and made her want to physically harm him.  The worst of it is?  It's not believable.  Zachary has no motive to destroy his sister's portfolio.  He doesn't care one whit about it.  But the moment the damage is done, Lauren can blame no one else and so she jumps down his throat.  (Another side note pet peeve: who the hell actually destroyed it?  The book never says.)  To me this is entirely unbelievable.  I have a younger brother.  I've hated him most of his life and we only rarely feel love for one another.  I get that.  But I also know that he would never destroy something I valued so highly, UNLESS I provoked him in an unforgivable way.  (In which case, one of us would probably be printing off Missing Person posters whilst trying to conceal the mud on our sneakers after we dug a grave out back.)  So this opening catalyst to cause Lauren and Zachary to fight is a bit overdramatic and lacks any substantial credit to its case.  In short, a poor plot device used to spur on the story.

Zachary's narrative is also unrealistic.  I've had a fourteen year old brother.  I know how they talk.  How they think.  What they say.  And whether or not they actually cringe if someone *gasp* curses!  (No, they don't freaking cringe.  They've already said worse.  If you think your kid is an angel, go down another glass of wine while you're off in la-la land.)  Zach was nothing like a fourteen year old boy.  Not in his thoughts or his reactions to anything typical.  At best, he was a prepubescent boy; at worst, he was the heroine of a badly written YA novel who is supposed to be seventeen but acts twelve.

Speaking of not living up to her professed potential…  When Lauren is trained as a Priestess (which literally takes one quest and the gifting of new abilities by the Head Priestess) she is endowed with three wonderful blessings: primary healing, inner focus, and intelligence.  Excuse me, when the FUCK did she ever use the last two?!  I've seen selfish arrogance, does that count as inner focus?  How about happily riding a TIGER but thinking that the TIMBER WOLF looked more dangerous?  Since when does blatant ignorance fall under intelligence?  Oh, and that time you totally had a magic shield but instead got ate up by vampire rats?  That was fun, huh.  You bloody idiot.

From the 60% mark on down, I absolutely loathed Lauren.  As mentioned, she's a moron without a lick of common sense or true humility.  One minute she freaks out about how inappropriate it would be for her to be left alone with a guy … two seconds of insta-love hell later, she's engaged to him.  (Will rant about this in a little bit.)  Throughout the entire book, she never completes a whole character arc.  It doesn't even seem like she makes it half-way.  I mean, in books like this, you expect the MC to start off rough around the edges.  Then they grow and learn.  In this case, the reader was expecting selfish, arrogant, cruel Lauren to grow softer edges and maybe come to care about her brother in a natural, almost maternal sort of way.  I'd have been okay with at least one possessive line about him.  I wanted her to come to his defense because that is her little brother, and no one else is allowed to fuck with him.

I got none of that.  Instead, she remained pigheaded, arrogant, and selfish throughout the entire novel.  While she supposedly develops some real feelings for her brother, it shows very little in their relationship.  Instead, she's too damn busy becoming some silly little creature whilst wooing her brother's "toon".

*Deep Breath*

I feel the need to reiterate: Lauren is an idiot.  And she is the epitome of anything wrong with a female lead in a book.  She is not intelligent.  She is petty.  Selfish and cruel.  Beautiful but with a soul that could be worked into a wrought iron design.  And of all the travesties she could ever happen into, she falls into the most severe case of insta-love bullshittery that I've seen in a long time.

Worst of all, she falls in love with a hulking mass of a warrior character that--oh yeah!--her brother created!  And you wonder why Zach is all weirded out by you making kissy faces at the character he spent hours honing and shaping into the ultimate badass?  Mind you, this is the very same character you claimed to be "scary" in the beginning of the book and who was ignoring you like you were something to be stepped over not TWO pages before.  Seriously, their hands touch and they have feelings and that starts the whole damn landslide.  Next thing you know, they're smooching--another of Zach's unrealistic descriptions for his age--and professing their undying love.  The kind that makes it okay for a recently-turned-sixteen year old girl to agree to marry this hulking, nineteen year old life form who--trope of all tropes--used to be a player, until he met her.  Never mind that she can't stay in his world and all…  Where's the harm in letting this delusion play itself out?  Again: I hate Lauren after 60%.

This sham of a romance is what 100% ruined this book.  With such a solid foundation as having two siblings at odds being transported to a whole other world, there was so much promise in having to build up their relationship, after first tearing down the mistrust and dislike of each other.  It was a chance to have them evolve to the point where they could help each other, work together, and decide in what ways it was best for them to get home.  If the book had left out any stupid romantic inclinations, this would have been a great story for brothers and sisters to read together and learn a valuable lesson.  Instead it did … that.  *sigh*

Unfortunately, the two leads weren't alone in their utter stupidity and failure at being anyone worth while.  We also have Kalika, a drow Maverick who is supposed to be a complete badass.  She's not.  She hates herself for being weak and pathetic … but not often enough since she is both throughout every part I've seen her in.  Then there's Dardanos, the love of Lauren's entire five minute swooning spell.  Every time I think of him, I picture the big, hulking guy in the Disney movie "Brave".  The one that is all muscles and not much smarter than a rock.  Yes, that is literally who I picture every time I read about Dardanos.  Not some hot, sexy guy like Lauren sees.  He's not intelligent.  He's not polite or considerate.  Hell, the only time he's tolerant of Zach is when he's trying to make a good impression on Lauren.  Idiot.  And then there's Kirth, the pixie prince.  I actually liked him for probably 80% of the book.  But his own arrogance sort-of turned me off to him at the end there.

Hmm.  I think I've finally had done with my raging.  Other than the predictability of the plot and that ending that made me laugh at Lauren's pain, I don't think there's much else to mention.


Overall:

I didn't like this book.  I would not recommend this book to any of my friends, because they all hate the same things that I do.  I do suggest anyone reading this to judge it solely on your reading experience, and not mine.  (But do what you want.)

The saddest thing is, this could have easily been an okay book.  With more work and less Dardanos, this could have been a spectacular book.  Ah, the potential…  For the first half of this book, it was actually entertaining to read…  Then that last 40%…  Well, there's no going back and there's my review for you.  It just sucks that I couldn't enjoy this more.

Movie Review: Noah

Noah

Presented by: Paramount Pictures

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Writers: Darren Aronofsky, Ari Handel

2014

Prominent Cast: Russell Crowe, Emma Watson, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins

Genre: Adventure, Drama

Reviewed By: Leah

*WARNING! RAGE-REVIEW!*

I'm not even a Christian, and this movie pissed me off!

Summary:

Noah is chosen by the Creator (not God) to save the innocent.  In a time of turmoil and wretchedness throughout the land, Noah and his sons are the last of Seth's line--the third son of Adam and Eve.  As such, his line is all that stands as protector over the Creator's lands against the horde of Cain's descendants.  Yet, as time drags on, there is work to be done and visions will lead Noah and his family on a long journey to find his grandfather, who might then help him to understand what it is he must do.

Along the way, they rescue a young girl after her entire family had been murdered and she severely wounded--leaving her unable to bear children.  Though both very young, it is almost instant the way she and Noah's eldest son are drawn to each other.

Answers brought about by visions, instead of through words, are what Noah acquires and the task of building the Ark becomes an obsession.  One in which the Watchers--Fallen Angels who had sought to aid Adam and Eve as they fled Eden--are eager to assist him in.

Of course, not all is peaceful.  As the Ark nears completion, and the animals begin to arrive, so, too, do the descendants of Cain reach their doorstep.  With them they bring fear, wickedness, and chaos.  But also a little hope--for two of Noah's sons remain without wives and the young woman he saved is not fit for his eldest because she is barren.

But the wickedness of men is all-consuming.  Noah knows that it lives in each of them, just as it lives in those the Creator means to destroy.  The beasts are the innocents.  And the race of Men must be extinguished.

Review:

I have never been this pissed off by a movie!  I've never seen a great, legendary tale like this one be so utterly butchered into non-existence.  This movie was so horrific, I would not wish it on the Westboro Baptist Church!  (And that is saying a lot!)

Let me reiterate something: I am not a Christian.  I am not Jewish, or Muslim, or any other religion that closely follows the Old Testament of the Bible.  My beliefs don't even exist in the same realm, okay.  Yet, I wanted to see "Noah".  I'm aware of the basic story and knew that, with the right devices and film techniques, this tale could be great.  There was so much potential at their fingertips with a story so bold and investing … and they pissed it all away.

To say that this movie is a loose adaptation is laughable.  There was no adaptation.  There was absolutely nothing similar to the original story.  Not a single thing.

There were creatures in here that were meant to be Fallen Angels who were punished for trying to help Adam and Eve.  They looked like they were in the wrong movie, having just sidled in from the latest "The Hobbit" adaptation.

The special effects were pathetic and the human story was lost in the greatest catastrophe of them all: Noah losing his bloody mind.

Now, I am a misanthrope.  To me, if the entirety of humanity ceased to exist, I wouldn't exactly weep over it.  Yet, this was not supposed to be Noah!  The savior of humankind, and the man who brought forth new life to a dying world.  It was not his job to be the cynic or to try and kill off his family!

Of all the things this movie has perverted with its connection to this original story, nothing is more sacrilegious than that.  They twisted Noah so completely that, by the end, you wanted his sons to kill him.  He was so determined to let them all die, so that the garden would never again be polluted by man, that he was willing to kill his infant granddaughters before their umbilical cords were cut.

Despicable.

That is the plot, ladies and gentleman.  It is less about the dualities of mankind than the witnessing of one man becoming everything he absolutely despises.  Becoming the very monster that was meant to be cleansed from the Earth.  That is all this movie is about and if you thought you would get a movie about what it meant to leave it all behind, to start fresh and new, to be alone and have only your loved ones to cling to, and to grasp onto every last ounce of faith you have in the hope that you might survive the utter devastation … then go watch anything else, because it'll still be a better representation of humanity than this movie will ever be.

Now, I know that the creators of this shamble have defended themselves with the fact that they are not theologians.  Nor was it their intention to ever truly adapt the story, but to create 'a compelling story.'  This is ludicrous.  As an avid movie-lover (which you will note when I get around to posting more and more reviews on this blog), I know a good, compelling, beautiful story when a film shows it to me.  This did nothing but make me turn up my nose and ask, "How could you possibly think this was going to be good?"

Character Portrayals:

I have nothing to say at this point.  I respect Russell Crowe as an actor and I grew up with Emma Watson.  I can lay no fault at the feet of this cast.  Their skills as entertainers are not under fire here.  For the roles they were given and the parts they were to play, they performed at their utmost brilliance.  I just wish they had all chosen a far less fatal project to be involved in.  This was a waste of their many, many talents and my heart aches for them all.

Final Thoughts:

I can't take this anymore.  Thinking about it longer than is necessary actually hurts my brain almost as much as if I were watching it again.  To reiterate my many extensive points: if you wanted anything similar to the Biblical tale, then don't watch this movie.  If you wanted anything entertaining, then don't watch this movie.  Should you, by any chance, wish for a movie that delves into the duality of the human nature, where wickedness and humility strive to live side by side in a single human being, well … I'm still waiting for a movie like that, actually.  Yet, it is definitely not "Noah".