Movie Review: Noah

Noah

Presented by: Paramount Pictures

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Writers: Darren Aronofsky, Ari Handel

2014

Prominent Cast: Russell Crowe, Emma Watson, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins

Genre: Adventure, Drama

Reviewed By: Leah

*WARNING! RAGE-REVIEW!*

I'm not even a Christian, and this movie pissed me off!

Summary:

Noah is chosen by the Creator (not God) to save the innocent.  In a time of turmoil and wretchedness throughout the land, Noah and his sons are the last of Seth's line--the third son of Adam and Eve.  As such, his line is all that stands as protector over the Creator's lands against the horde of Cain's descendants.  Yet, as time drags on, there is work to be done and visions will lead Noah and his family on a long journey to find his grandfather, who might then help him to understand what it is he must do.

Along the way, they rescue a young girl after her entire family had been murdered and she severely wounded--leaving her unable to bear children.  Though both very young, it is almost instant the way she and Noah's eldest son are drawn to each other.

Answers brought about by visions, instead of through words, are what Noah acquires and the task of building the Ark becomes an obsession.  One in which the Watchers--Fallen Angels who had sought to aid Adam and Eve as they fled Eden--are eager to assist him in.

Of course, not all is peaceful.  As the Ark nears completion, and the animals begin to arrive, so, too, do the descendants of Cain reach their doorstep.  With them they bring fear, wickedness, and chaos.  But also a little hope--for two of Noah's sons remain without wives and the young woman he saved is not fit for his eldest because she is barren.

But the wickedness of men is all-consuming.  Noah knows that it lives in each of them, just as it lives in those the Creator means to destroy.  The beasts are the innocents.  And the race of Men must be extinguished.

Review:

I have never been this pissed off by a movie!  I've never seen a great, legendary tale like this one be so utterly butchered into non-existence.  This movie was so horrific, I would not wish it on the Westboro Baptist Church!  (And that is saying a lot!)

Let me reiterate something: I am not a Christian.  I am not Jewish, or Muslim, or any other religion that closely follows the Old Testament of the Bible.  My beliefs don't even exist in the same realm, okay.  Yet, I wanted to see "Noah".  I'm aware of the basic story and knew that, with the right devices and film techniques, this tale could be great.  There was so much potential at their fingertips with a story so bold and investing … and they pissed it all away.

To say that this movie is a loose adaptation is laughable.  There was no adaptation.  There was absolutely nothing similar to the original story.  Not a single thing.

There were creatures in here that were meant to be Fallen Angels who were punished for trying to help Adam and Eve.  They looked like they were in the wrong movie, having just sidled in from the latest "The Hobbit" adaptation.

The special effects were pathetic and the human story was lost in the greatest catastrophe of them all: Noah losing his bloody mind.

Now, I am a misanthrope.  To me, if the entirety of humanity ceased to exist, I wouldn't exactly weep over it.  Yet, this was not supposed to be Noah!  The savior of humankind, and the man who brought forth new life to a dying world.  It was not his job to be the cynic or to try and kill off his family!

Of all the things this movie has perverted with its connection to this original story, nothing is more sacrilegious than that.  They twisted Noah so completely that, by the end, you wanted his sons to kill him.  He was so determined to let them all die, so that the garden would never again be polluted by man, that he was willing to kill his infant granddaughters before their umbilical cords were cut.

Despicable.

That is the plot, ladies and gentleman.  It is less about the dualities of mankind than the witnessing of one man becoming everything he absolutely despises.  Becoming the very monster that was meant to be cleansed from the Earth.  That is all this movie is about and if you thought you would get a movie about what it meant to leave it all behind, to start fresh and new, to be alone and have only your loved ones to cling to, and to grasp onto every last ounce of faith you have in the hope that you might survive the utter devastation … then go watch anything else, because it'll still be a better representation of humanity than this movie will ever be.

Now, I know that the creators of this shamble have defended themselves with the fact that they are not theologians.  Nor was it their intention to ever truly adapt the story, but to create 'a compelling story.'  This is ludicrous.  As an avid movie-lover (which you will note when I get around to posting more and more reviews on this blog), I know a good, compelling, beautiful story when a film shows it to me.  This did nothing but make me turn up my nose and ask, "How could you possibly think this was going to be good?"

Character Portrayals:

I have nothing to say at this point.  I respect Russell Crowe as an actor and I grew up with Emma Watson.  I can lay no fault at the feet of this cast.  Their skills as entertainers are not under fire here.  For the roles they were given and the parts they were to play, they performed at their utmost brilliance.  I just wish they had all chosen a far less fatal project to be involved in.  This was a waste of their many, many talents and my heart aches for them all.

Final Thoughts:

I can't take this anymore.  Thinking about it longer than is necessary actually hurts my brain almost as much as if I were watching it again.  To reiterate my many extensive points: if you wanted anything similar to the Biblical tale, then don't watch this movie.  If you wanted anything entertaining, then don't watch this movie.  Should you, by any chance, wish for a movie that delves into the duality of the human nature, where wickedness and humility strive to live side by side in a single human being, well … I'm still waiting for a movie like that, actually.  Yet, it is definitely not "Noah".